Dear Jessica Lynn,
I apologize for the comment, "act like a daughter, not just when you want a
trip to Target".
The Target thing was in reference to the fact that we were getting along
fine when we were out and about, then, when you are with your mother, you
are a different person to me. I was asking you to be the same person and
show me the same respect at both times. Friendly and talkative when doing
errands, cold and distant with Mom near. That is what I was getting at,
and the ONLY point I was trying to make.
As for you not choosing to drink, that is fine with me. It can be a drain
on your bank account and lost energy for other important things. I
honestly do not recall getting sick that night we spoke about. I also do
not recall cleaning the car after it was all said and done. Did you clean
it out? I doubt it, did your mother clean it? I doubt that too. Did I
clean it? No. I can recall several things from that evening, sitting
in that yard, walking to Dresch's, making a fool of my self at the piano
before we left. Getting sick, no. It is to bad you have that memory of
me 10 years ago locked in your head so strongly. I am just amazed that
you think I would have come home and hurt you or your mother, I NEVER once
hit your mother in 13 years of marriage, no matter how mad I got. How many
times do you recall me drinking after the divorce? Very few, I know that
for a fact. I made a point of NOT drinking when you kids were with.
(except for my 40th birthday party at Christi's)
I will take my share of the blame for fighting with your mother, I also
started to see how your mother pushed my buttons after I moved out. She
learned what to say and how to say things that would make me angry. I
regret not being able to have more control over my emotions, they just fly
out of me and later when I have time to think of what was said, I wished I
hadn't. Believe it or not, it takes 2 to tango. I also have heard back
from certain friends that your mother makes comments about me that are
vindictive and mean. She is a very smart woman and can word things that on
the surface sound OK, but the underlying thought is a negative comment.
We also went to counseling to help with things, she did not want to use a
couple of the tools that was offered to help with our situation. It was
put back on me, "I should be able to stop fighting" . No help from her.
I am not going on and on about your mother being the problem, I am only
trying to tell you that it goes deeper than just me being a bad person.
It is to bad you have so many hurtful memories of me being the problem and
sound very convinced that I gave nothing and expected everything. I will
admit that in the beginning after the divorce that I did fight back more
and was reluctant to give, it was mainly because I did ALL the driving and
ALL the paying. What did I get for all that? A hard time from your mother
mostly concerning when I could and could not see you. I have since
stopped that and only do what I can to make things better for you kids.
You have not come to see me on visitation for so long, I really have to
wonder where you got the idea I do not show up and change meeting places at
the last minute. Even now when I have to go out of town for work, your
mother says I miss my nights of visitation. Do you honestly believe it
would be better if I were a dead beat dad and paid no support and had no
insurance and made every night and day of my court appointed visitations?
No Jessica, it would not be better, if I were a dead beat dad your mother
would have had a MUCH harder time paying for things and health insurance by
herself.
I will not be bugging you about your school concerts and plays and
functions. The ball is in your court, what you decide to do with it is up
to. You want me out, well so be it. You are breaking my heart by not
including me, I am sure your mother is proud of you. She cant' hurt me
anymore, but by having even 1 of her children turn their back on me has to
be gratifying to her. I heard a long time ago she thought I would never
see my children because that is the type of person she thought I was. She
was so wrong, I went out of my way to do the best dad I could be for you
children, and what did I get, "the decree says this and the decree says
that, stick to it". And who lost? I did and you children did. Who got
you kids to religion the first couple of years? I did. When? On my 1
night a week of visitation. It was my time that I gave up for you. Do
I get any credit for it? Only from my mother, no one else. My boss
says I am a saint for going to BigLake all the time. He had trouble
crossing the street to see his kids. I don't ask for anything other than
you being safe and happy. It really hurts to think that you dislike me so
much.
I know most of this sounds like I am putting the blame on your mother for
the trouble between you and I. It is only because she played a very big
role in helping you form an opinion about me in the early years of our
divorce. Well it looks like she succeed in getting what she wanted. You
had issues about Darin, got counseling and have moved on. Move forward,
past your old feelings about me. I will always be here for you if you
need me. Please don't forget that.
It means a lot to me to be a part of your life. You are my first born,
that means a lot more than you know. I am here and want to share in your
life and you chose to keep me out.
I am not the same person that I was 7 years ago. I have recognized many
of my faults and short coming and am trying to overcome and rectify them.
I wish you would give me a chance to prove that to you.
Love always, Dad
****************************************
This man has put me through 21 years of his shit. He called the cops on me when I was 13 years old to try and make me go to visitation--the cops tried to take him in for being a fucking nut ball, trying to force his thirteen year old daughter to go to visit him when it was obvious that she didn't want to go. He used to come into our house and look through the mail when my mother wasn't home. He used to throw things around the house, yelling and swearing at me and my mother before they got divorced. The only reason they got divorced was because my mom found out that he was cheating on her with some stupid whore from work. After the divorce, he moved in with this bitch and we had our visitation AT HER HOUSE. My father is an alcoholic. I told him this is the reason I don't drink and all he could do was tell me some sob story about how his dad used to come home raging drunk, threatening to kill himself, puking all over the place...wouldn't you think that having something like that happen to you while you were a kid make you see how bad getting wasted off your ass is for you and everyone around you? He tells me now that it's good I don't drink so I can save money and energy. How about brain cells and my liver?! What the FUCK about those, dad? FUCK. I seriously want to find him and hit him. I would, too, if only I knew he wouldn't hit me back. What the fuck is a person supposed to do, when they are AFRAID of their own father? He carries guns with him everywhere he goes. I was visiting my baby brother a couple of months ago and he pulls up in the driveway and gets out a couple of handguns to show to my 14 year old brother. IN FRONT OF ME AND MY 4 YEAR OLD BROTHER. When I was eleven years old, he got raging drunk at a party and puked all over the road on the way home, all over the inside of the car...all in front of me, my mom, and my best friend. We had to kick him out of the car and then call the police when we got home that night. My mom and I spent the whole night laying awake in bed crying and fearing that he might come home and hurt us for leaving him there in the middle of the night, drunk as hell. I was so afraid of him that night. I AM AFRAID OF THIS MAN. He tells me that 'the ball is in my court' now. There is no ball to be in any court. I don't want him to be a part of my life. I have gotten counseling before, and NOT for issues concerning my baby brother, like he thinks. I have gotten counseling to try and make sense of what he has done to me and my family and what I can do to not be like him. How does a SANE person go from 'you are not acting like my daughter' to 'I will always be here for you, I love you, come to me with your problems, let me be a part of your life'? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! I really wish that I smoked or drank or something. I could really use something to calm my nerves right about NOW. Wait, no, about 20 years ago now. I don't ever want to get married and have children, because I don't want to get divorced and put people through this kind of shit. Nobody deserves this. Especially children. As a parent, you are supposed to unconditionally love your children. Even if they rebel against you, they run away from home, they do stupid shit. That is what parents are for. If we were more like (insert name here of animal that doesn't nurture their young), then it would be different. Human children are utterly dependant upon their parents/parent type figures until the day that they or the parents die. Serioiusly. I honestly wonder how this man sleeps at night, knowing how badly he has hurt so many people in his lifetime. FUCK.
Every once in awhile, I actually get my self-esteem and self-image up, and then shit like this happens and makes me feel completely worthless.
I apologize for the comment, "act like a daughter, not just when you want a
trip to Target".
The Target thing was in reference to the fact that we were getting along
fine when we were out and about, then, when you are with your mother, you
are a different person to me. I was asking you to be the same person and
show me the same respect at both times. Friendly and talkative when doing
errands, cold and distant with Mom near. That is what I was getting at,
and the ONLY point I was trying to make.
As for you not choosing to drink, that is fine with me. It can be a drain
on your bank account and lost energy for other important things. I
honestly do not recall getting sick that night we spoke about. I also do
not recall cleaning the car after it was all said and done. Did you clean
it out? I doubt it, did your mother clean it? I doubt that too. Did I
clean it? No. I can recall several things from that evening, sitting
in that yard, walking to Dresch's, making a fool of my self at the piano
before we left. Getting sick, no. It is to bad you have that memory of
me 10 years ago locked in your head so strongly. I am just amazed that
you think I would have come home and hurt you or your mother, I NEVER once
hit your mother in 13 years of marriage, no matter how mad I got. How many
times do you recall me drinking after the divorce? Very few, I know that
for a fact. I made a point of NOT drinking when you kids were with.
(except for my 40th birthday party at Christi's)
I will take my share of the blame for fighting with your mother, I also
started to see how your mother pushed my buttons after I moved out. She
learned what to say and how to say things that would make me angry. I
regret not being able to have more control over my emotions, they just fly
out of me and later when I have time to think of what was said, I wished I
hadn't. Believe it or not, it takes 2 to tango. I also have heard back
from certain friends that your mother makes comments about me that are
vindictive and mean. She is a very smart woman and can word things that on
the surface sound OK, but the underlying thought is a negative comment.
We also went to counseling to help with things, she did not want to use a
couple of the tools that was offered to help with our situation. It was
put back on me, "I should be able to stop fighting" . No help from her.
I am not going on and on about your mother being the problem, I am only
trying to tell you that it goes deeper than just me being a bad person.
It is to bad you have so many hurtful memories of me being the problem and
sound very convinced that I gave nothing and expected everything. I will
admit that in the beginning after the divorce that I did fight back more
and was reluctant to give, it was mainly because I did ALL the driving and
ALL the paying. What did I get for all that? A hard time from your mother
mostly concerning when I could and could not see you. I have since
stopped that and only do what I can to make things better for you kids.
You have not come to see me on visitation for so long, I really have to
wonder where you got the idea I do not show up and change meeting places at
the last minute. Even now when I have to go out of town for work, your
mother says I miss my nights of visitation. Do you honestly believe it
would be better if I were a dead beat dad and paid no support and had no
insurance and made every night and day of my court appointed visitations?
No Jessica, it would not be better, if I were a dead beat dad your mother
would have had a MUCH harder time paying for things and health insurance by
herself.
I will not be bugging you about your school concerts and plays and
functions. The ball is in your court, what you decide to do with it is up
to. You want me out, well so be it. You are breaking my heart by not
including me, I am sure your mother is proud of you. She cant' hurt me
anymore, but by having even 1 of her children turn their back on me has to
be gratifying to her. I heard a long time ago she thought I would never
see my children because that is the type of person she thought I was. She
was so wrong, I went out of my way to do the best dad I could be for you
children, and what did I get, "the decree says this and the decree says
that, stick to it". And who lost? I did and you children did. Who got
you kids to religion the first couple of years? I did. When? On my 1
night a week of visitation. It was my time that I gave up for you. Do
I get any credit for it? Only from my mother, no one else. My boss
says I am a saint for going to BigLake all the time. He had trouble
crossing the street to see his kids. I don't ask for anything other than
you being safe and happy. It really hurts to think that you dislike me so
much.
I know most of this sounds like I am putting the blame on your mother for
the trouble between you and I. It is only because she played a very big
role in helping you form an opinion about me in the early years of our
divorce. Well it looks like she succeed in getting what she wanted. You
had issues about Darin, got counseling and have moved on. Move forward,
past your old feelings about me. I will always be here for you if you
need me. Please don't forget that.
It means a lot to me to be a part of your life. You are my first born,
that means a lot more than you know. I am here and want to share in your
life and you chose to keep me out.
I am not the same person that I was 7 years ago. I have recognized many
of my faults and short coming and am trying to overcome and rectify them.
I wish you would give me a chance to prove that to you.
Love always, Dad
****************************************
This man has put me through 21 years of his shit. He called the cops on me when I was 13 years old to try and make me go to visitation--the cops tried to take him in for being a fucking nut ball, trying to force his thirteen year old daughter to go to visit him when it was obvious that she didn't want to go. He used to come into our house and look through the mail when my mother wasn't home. He used to throw things around the house, yelling and swearing at me and my mother before they got divorced. The only reason they got divorced was because my mom found out that he was cheating on her with some stupid whore from work. After the divorce, he moved in with this bitch and we had our visitation AT HER HOUSE. My father is an alcoholic. I told him this is the reason I don't drink and all he could do was tell me some sob story about how his dad used to come home raging drunk, threatening to kill himself, puking all over the place...wouldn't you think that having something like that happen to you while you were a kid make you see how bad getting wasted off your ass is for you and everyone around you? He tells me now that it's good I don't drink so I can save money and energy. How about brain cells and my liver?! What the FUCK about those, dad? FUCK. I seriously want to find him and hit him. I would, too, if only I knew he wouldn't hit me back. What the fuck is a person supposed to do, when they are AFRAID of their own father? He carries guns with him everywhere he goes. I was visiting my baby brother a couple of months ago and he pulls up in the driveway and gets out a couple of handguns to show to my 14 year old brother. IN FRONT OF ME AND MY 4 YEAR OLD BROTHER. When I was eleven years old, he got raging drunk at a party and puked all over the road on the way home, all over the inside of the car...all in front of me, my mom, and my best friend. We had to kick him out of the car and then call the police when we got home that night. My mom and I spent the whole night laying awake in bed crying and fearing that he might come home and hurt us for leaving him there in the middle of the night, drunk as hell. I was so afraid of him that night. I AM AFRAID OF THIS MAN. He tells me that 'the ball is in my court' now. There is no ball to be in any court. I don't want him to be a part of my life. I have gotten counseling before, and NOT for issues concerning my baby brother, like he thinks. I have gotten counseling to try and make sense of what he has done to me and my family and what I can do to not be like him. How does a SANE person go from 'you are not acting like my daughter' to 'I will always be here for you, I love you, come to me with your problems, let me be a part of your life'? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! I really wish that I smoked or drank or something. I could really use something to calm my nerves right about NOW. Wait, no, about 20 years ago now. I don't ever want to get married and have children, because I don't want to get divorced and put people through this kind of shit. Nobody deserves this. Especially children. As a parent, you are supposed to unconditionally love your children. Even if they rebel against you, they run away from home, they do stupid shit. That is what parents are for. If we were more like (insert name here of animal that doesn't nurture their young), then it would be different. Human children are utterly dependant upon their parents/parent type figures until the day that they or the parents die. Serioiusly. I honestly wonder how this man sleeps at night, knowing how badly he has hurt so many people in his lifetime. FUCK.
Every once in awhile, I actually get my self-esteem and self-image up, and then shit like this happens and makes me feel completely worthless.
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