I just went through my entire flickr account. I deleted 827 photos. All of them directly related to Damian.

I feel badly, because I just deleted two of Kevin's (his nephew) birthdays, Brenda's (his neice) birth and shots around the house, and a year and a half of memories.

Notice that I am most sad about losing the shots for Kevin and Brenda's future. I understand that there were good times and bad times, and I just deleted them all. I don't care. In fact, I can't tell you what a large load has just been taken from my shoulders!

This isn't even about revenge. It's just about calming my guts. I've never been in such an awful situation, and I sincerely doubt I ever will be again. These are memories I feel I can afford to let go of.

I last left off, dear friends, on Tuesday in the late afternoon/early evening hours.

Post Abilene's tequila class, I met up with the Wifey and DCK for some laundry action. I <3 Rainbow Laundry in Uptown SO HARD. The people who run it are so sweet and the place is really comfy to hang out. We had tasty Chipotle for dinner, and a great time getting rid of unnecessary items. I totally got rid of so many shirts that reminded me of D and some assorted household items that reminded me of someone else. It's mega spring cleaning time in my world--stay tuned for a totally emo post about everything that's happened in the span of the last 365 days. Those posts aren't limited to New Year's. ;)

Wednesday, the Wifey and I got up and did our usual morning work out, coupled with a tasty lunch. I think this is the day that all I really had to eat was peanut butter sammiches. I really need some sammich meat. :P It was another successful SPW. We had Raw Food as the theme, and Ryan made us sushi! We are so spoiled. :)

Thursday, had another lovely work out with the Wifey. I love being active! I can definitely feel it when I haven't been keeping it up. Plus, it's been great that we get there when nobody else is there, so I can watch TCM. I <3 old movies! My last shift at the Vesc was nice, I made some good tips, and got the eff out of dodge. This was the day that Jerry found out about his job letting him go. I had hoped to meet up with him, but he had something going on in Saint Paul, so I decided to go home. As per my usual, I didn't stay home long--I was too antsy to stay in. The Wifey and DCK met up with me at Plan B for some late night beverages and gabbing. So great are my friends!

Friday, got up super early and worked out with Ryan! That was a surprising turn of events. I think he overdid it a bit on the machines and the lifting. I hope he keeps it up so it gets easier and less hard on his muscles. I know I had to get over that initial week or so before my body stopped complaining. I hopped on the scooter and headed up to el Arden B. Had a very lovely lazy Friday, learning how to play Beautiful Katamari (that I now can't wait to play again!) and watching movies. Jerry and I had a wonderful dinner of chicken, veggies, bread and Lambic. Many episodes of my favorite British comedy were watched while imbibing said Lambic.

Saturday, slept in until noon, maybe noon-thirty. Had a lovely breakfast at 2:30 on a sunny porch. Bummed about the Arden B, then headed to see the Roller Girls. It was a very exciting bout, and I'm anticipating seeing many more next season! I'm still sad about Savage Animal breaking her leg. I hope she recovers soon. :) Brandy, JD, Carrie, Jerry and I went to the 331, only to decide it was too crowded. We substituted the Knight's Cap for a round of beverages post-bout. We ended up back at Brandy and JD's place for some late night Venture Brothers. I can't wait to see the first two seasons so that season 3 will make more sense. :P

Sunday, got up at the crack of dawn to head back to Minneapolis. I got to Tiff's place FAR too early, so I chilled with Pixie and Daphne for a bit before disturbing Tiff's beauty sleep. ;) Worked out with the Wifey, had some lunch, then bummed about the house doing laundry and the likes until it was time for SPS. SPS was fairly short-lived this time around. I'm sadly anticipating this coming to a close for the season. I think a lot of us (myself included) aren't enjoying the venue change, as well as the SEASON change--it's totally time for outside activities! :) Jess, Bertine and Zach came over for an Easter nightcap. Good times were had by all.

Monday, got up for a workout with the Pantswife, then off to my first day with my new client. It's...interesting. We'll leave it at that. I went on a very cathartic scoot around town. Procured tasty dinner items (read: ROCK YOUR FACE OFF MEXICAN FOOD!) from may locations around town. I rocked everyone's faces off at Amanda's for some bitchin' board game goodness. I'm still aching to play more Amanda-fam House Rules UNO. It was so much fun! Jerry came over and fixed my computer. I think we got rid of 15 gigs of stupid crap that was crapping up my computer. It's still not running terribly fast, but it's a start.

Today, being Tuesday, got up and went for a workout downtown. I love that we've been keeping this up on a regular basis! :D Met up with Jerry and the Wifey and had a low-key workout. I drank too much water and got a little sick twice. :( Had another day with the new client...yeah. Went on yet another cathartic scoot about the town. Keep your eyes peeled for pictures! Post-scoot, met up with DCK over here so I could take a shower and change clothes. Went to the Wifey's place for an epic girl's night. DCK, Wifey and Bertine were all in attendance. We had many good foods, chats and laughs. I <3 my girls.

That leaves us where we are right now. Tired, sore, in need of a back rub, maybe a beer. Unfortunately, I have none cold, so it will have to be a Jynnan Tonnyx if I do decide on a beverage other than water. I have many pictures to get through from the last two days. I think you'll like what you see.

<3

Cleaning out the old room today, I came across a grip of jewelry that D gave me. Honestly, it caused me a bit of strife to even see it.

Two of the necklaces are actually his. I made them for him. Those, I feel pretty confident in tossing out. The gold necklace with the nice box chain and the fancy one from Inizio Gifts I would feel kinda bad about.

I just don't know that I'm willing or able to go through all of the effort to sell it. Any suggestions?

Poll #1379392 fancy jewelry
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 18

what to do with it?!

Greh. How emotionally exhausting!

So, I go to call Minneapolis 311 to finish what started a long time ago. After a brief hold, I get through to a representative. Neato.

She asks why I am calling. I tell her why. She says something to the extent of not being able to take those reports until after 11am.

I ask her to repeat that, and she does. It's 10:30am, she refuses to take my report until after 11am.

She offers to 'allow' me to call back after 11, or someone can call me back. I opt for someone calling me back.

She then proceeds to take a TON of info from me--case/file information, my phone number, my address, my full name, best time to call back...why not just take the silly report and have done with it, lady?!

This system, I swear. *shakes head* On top of all of these silly hoops they want me to jump through, I have to carry the paperwork around with me everywhere I go. I need to have a copy of it on file at any/all places I work. No wonder people don't always follow through with their end of the deal when it comes to these things!

Damian violated his restraining order today.

Yes, I called the cops.

No, he didn't hurt me.

He approached me at 8:24 this morning on Hennepin and 33rd.

I don't know where or how he got the brand new Monte Carlo in bright yellow with dark tinted windows. I don't want to know.

I just want him to leave me alone.

No dice on the daily updates, eh?

Tuesday (10th): Mom and I went and had school lunch with Darin after mailing packages all over the world. To those of you who have already received them, I can't wait to hear what you think, and to those of you who will receive them later, I also can't wait to hear what you think. :P We contemplated stopping in at the dentist, but they were out for lunch, so I'll have to have my tooth looked at another day. I also think my wisdom teeth are coming in, so I'll need some consultation on when I'll be having those out. Boo! Mom and I called pixiecup to see if there was anything she needed, seeing as she had a busted up arm. She said she needed olive oil, so we got her some. :P I did some cleaning of my room, washed some whites, and then went to Psycho Suzi's with Jerry B. and his pals. I filled out an application, but I doubt I'll hear anything from them. I got home around 2am and crashed around 3, as per my new usual.

Wednesday (11th): I went over to pixiecup's house to help her fill out MN Care paperwork. I need to finish mine, too! I had a great chat with her, helped do the papers, and then washed her dishes while she fed me chard and Wheat Thins with hummus. She's a great lunch date! We had a LARGE scare when Owen got home from school. He said that Wes wasn't on the bus. We got in Jessica's car and started speeding around town trying to find him. We were extremely relieved to see him sitting, teary-eyed, on the front step of the apartment building. I have never known such fear as thinking that someone's child could be missing. Once we were all happily reunited, Jessica's cat, Fay, started nomming on my hair, so we took some pictures. I can't wait to see how they turned out! On my walk home, I picked up some Taco Bell. Sick and wrong, I know, but still tasty. :P During SPW, we celebrated Tiff's 1/2 B-day, so we hired the lovely and talented Warr N. Piece to strip for her. Good times were had by all. But you don't have to take MY word for it. :P

Thursday (12th): I never want to get up on Thursdays to go to work. It's hard after staying up till all hours partying to find the motivation to get up, get on a bus, and go to work for 6+ hours. :P Work was fairly uneventful, aside from the fact that I felt an ear infection coming on. I got a ride home from one of the cooks, and he even took me to the bank and the grocery store! I scored some hella awesome bacon and tasty bits for cooking food. Mike and I had dinner and video games together. He also put peroxide in my ears. They did start to feel better, but I was really dizzy. Odd side effect, I thought.

Friday (13th): Didn't get up till 1:30, and didn't actually roll out of bed till after 3. Mike and I went to a late lunch at the Independent, hit up Game Stop for some lovelies, and Ragstock to see my favorite used clothing cashier. I spent Friday night with Jerry B. drinking Sapphire gimlets, eating bacon, and watching crazy British television. SO GREAT.

Saturday (14th): Was supposed to go to teh pancake breakfast with Ann, Bertine and Crystal, but for many reasons, I didn't make it. Went to go visit my favorite Tiffiny in the whole wide world, and waited for Bertine to come pick me up. Went to Bertine's in search of a suit, and found something super! I was planning on going home to sleep and do laundry before going to work, but of course that didn't happen. :P Bertine and I hung out and gabbed for HOURS. I love that about her, that we can just sit and yak for EVER. So great! I worked at the Vesc from 4:30-11pm. I had no idea I'd be getting out that late! Mike picked me up so we could go to dinner and hang out. For one reason or another, didn't make it to sleep before 3am...again.

Sunday (15th): Went to Tiff's. Got her up. Met Mom and Darin and Mike for lunch at the Green Mill. I will have to post pictures and specifics of my pizza order later. It was fucked up! Darin and I went home so he could play Rock Band and so I could have a nap. People showed up to watch some movie that Ann wanted to watch, so that left Darin and I on the couch. :P I drifted in and out of sleep until around 5 or so, until the movie was over and other people started to show up. The lovely Sarah and James were the first ones to show up not for the movie. What a great surprise! It was Dani and David's Engagement Party, coupled with the food theme of the Seven Deadly Sins. I'll link the gallery after werk. :)

Sunday night into Monday morning: I got a phone call from damncutekitty, asking me to take her to the ER. I am an unlikely candidate for this job, mostly due to the fact that I don't have a car. Even if I hadn't had access to Ann's vehicle, I would have taken a taxi, I would have run across town, I don't care--I would have found a way over there to take her to the hospital. I spent a very tense and worried six hours in the ER, watching Crystal's blood be drawn, ultrasounds be taken, and listening to her moan in pain when the meds weren't working. I was so numb from lack of sleep and shock from the situation to cry, but I wanted to. How stressful!

Monday morning (16th): I made the call to Crystal's mom, telling her that Crystal was in the ER and that I wasn't going to leave her. That is one of the worst calls to make--telling someone's parents that their child is in the ER. I'm just so glad that it wasn't for something worse! I also called Crystal's boss so she would know Crystal had a valid excuse for missing out on work on Monday. :P I got a call back from the boss, and I thought that was sweet. What a nice lady to work for! In addition to Crystal's business that needed handling, I tried desperately to get a hold of my Mom, so that she could come and get Darin. As much as I wanted to hang out with him, I knew I wouldn't make it to noon with him hanging out on zero hours of sleep. She was able to come get him around 8:30, which was nice. I think I got home around 9, and it was super nice that they hung out for a bit until I got there so they could say goodbye.

Monday afternoon into the night: I slept from 10am till 3pm, since I had to work at 5. Whatever in the hell I was thinking that I would be "fine" to work, I don't know. I desperately wished I had called in the morning and found someone to work for me. Fortunately, mah wifey told me she would give me a ride to werk. I can't even tell you how much I appreciated that. Bertine said she'd pick me up from werk, and that sent me over the edge. I cried for the first time that day when I felt the love from my friends over something as simple as a ride to and from werk. :)

Monday night: I got to werk and immediately regretted it. I was so tired that I could barely function. I tried to find someone to replace me, to no avail. Oh well. That wouldn't have been a problem, until 7pm rolled around. Damian showed up and hung out for an hour. I was so tired and numb that I couldn't deal with the fact that he was there. He kept telling me that he would leave me alone, and that he was having trouble concentrating over us splitting up. I burst into tears after he left. I just felt so dirty and slimy and manipulated. I still feel gross thinking about it. I'm going to file a restraining order. I'm really sad about that. :( Bertine got me, and we went to Fedex/Kinko's to make a copy of my resume for my interview on Tuesday morning. :D We also had a glass of wine, talked about life, and then I passed out around midnight.

Tuesday (17th): I woke up at 8 and promptly told my phone (alarm clock) to eff off. 8am shouldn't exist in my world, I swear. :P I got up around 8:30, lurked about the internets for a while, then took to getting ready. I think the interview went well. It's so close to home! I can't wait to find out. :) The wifey came over and we walked to Rainbow for tasty lunch bits. Got some sammich goodies and chilled for a while. That was a nice change of pace. I hung out solo till around 6:30, when she came back to get me so we could go get groceries for Crystal and some dinner for ourselves. The lovely Amanda joined us about halfway through dinner, and Crystal called HOURS before we were expecting her! It was so great to hear that she was doing better than expected. :) We headed over to her place and immediately set to work cleaning her domicile. Jess washed the majority of the dishes, I cleaned the fridge, Bertine did the drying and putting away. I stayed the night and we passed out fairly early.

Wednesday (18th): Crystal woke up several times to go the the bathroom. I kept telling her she needed to take her temperature, since that's the first sign of an infection. :P I'm glad I stayed. We ended up sleeping in pretty late, which was nice. I stayed till after 5, when Ann came and got me. We had spent the day watching Clueless (OMG SO GREAT) and BS-ing around. Crystal's friend Rox sent flowers, and of course they came to deliver while we were on our 15 minute junk food run. I think if Crystal was in the mood for Cheetos and dark chocolate that she'll be fine in NO TIME. That makes me happy. :) Ann took me to Chicago Lake Liquors, where I procured tasty beverages for the group. She headed out for a friend's birthday party, so it was a PANTS only night. ;)

Wednesday night: I got the brilliant idea to broadcast ourselves on the internets via this here website. We had over a hundred hits, and at the peak of our famousness, we had 21 viewers at once! So great. I think the webcam will become a staple of all SP/RB get togethers. :D Owen came tonight, as well as a few new friends. I <3 me some new friends!

So, that leaves us where I am now. Alone, nearing 4 am, needing to go to sleep and think about working 10:30-5 tomorrow. I don't wanna! I want to sleep all day! I'll prolly go to work, though. :) I also have to think about filing that restraining order, finishing my MN Care paperwork, and getting to pixiecup's house with the beans and olive oil for her. What a week that is left for me!

To-do, to-day...

(not necessarily in this order)

* get MN Care application
* pick up soap and deodorant at Target (I got everything else with Mom on Monday)
* disassemble night stands and move them downstairs
* fold clean clothes
* do a few loads of dirty clothes
* fax tax documents to caminatr
* pay caminatr for last year's taxes...whoops
* make bed
* organise desk area
* put away Christmas gifts
* organise bookshelf
* put Damian's shit in a bag to be mailed back to him
* organise hall closet

That's a pretty ambitious list for tomorrow. I wonder if I'll be able to get through any of it without damncutekitty's help. :P

It's after 2am. Why am I still awake? This week has the potential to be a repeat of last week in terms of sleeping schedule. Meh.

What I should do tomorrow:

* put clean clothes away
* wash ALL dirty clothes
* go to Target (soap, toothpaste, shampoo, mouthwash, flossers, etc...)
* find phone charger
* apply for any/all jobs possible (things at werk are much better, but there are days when I am never on the schedule...I'd like to fill some of those shifts up)
* get to bed at a reasonable hour

What I probably will do tomorrow:

* go to lunch with my Mom
* finish recap of this past week...it's worth the read, I promise
* clean pixiecup's house
* take a nap
* go to the Artist's Quarter with Corey (from Vescio's) to play arm candy while he does comedy
* get to bed at an unreasonable hour

Someone come force me to clean my house one of these days!!

OH--and I hope I don't forget to write about my TERRIFYING dream I had during my power nap this afternoon...Sunday afternoon...whatever. SCARY.

Yay, I am going to the store. I need food in the house in the worst way.

I had a ton of really wacky dreams last night.

- Mom and Darin were over and they ate the tilapia in my freezer. I was really mad about that one.
- Mom and I robbed an entire city of its goods, and then they busted us by pouring water on us...they weren't even mad! They were just happy they busted us and that they got to do so as a town. Weird.
- I was speaking to my ex boyfriend and he wasn't happy...he called shortly after this dream this morning. GRR.

I know there were more dreams, but I can't remember them all. Oh well. FOOD TIME! I just might have another burrito today! You are all jealous of mah burritos. ;)

Why is it that my EX boyfriend is the only one who really contacts me on my cell phone? A good point is that I don't have a CURRENT boyfriend, but that's hardly the point. Why do I pay $50/month for a phone that nobody friggin' calls me on?! Greh.

New Year's Eve, he called me right before midnight, Eastern (Michigan) Standard Time. In my drunkenness, I answered and gave him a piece of my mind. He started crying, so I hung up. He kept calling to the point where I had to shut my phone off. He left several crying messages that night. Thank goodness I left the phone--still turned off--on the couch of the place we had partied the night before.

January 2nd (Nicky's wedding day), he called an hour and a half before the ceremony time. I sent him a text that he needed to stop calling because it was Nicky's wedding day. People from Michigan AND MN had my number as a contact, and I needed to be able to leave my phone on. Thankfully, he didn't call any more that day.

I think he has called once or twice in the last two weeks since the wedding. No voicemail, no texts.

Two nights ago, he called at midnight thirty and left a two minute long voicemail that I have yet to listen to.

Today, he called at 10:50am. I didn't answer.

He just sent me a text message. Care for some light reading material?

Every day and every night i thik about you,because you are the most important thing in my life.i love you and nothing can't change that.i know you love me too..

I'm willing to excuse the poor spelling, punctuation and capitalisation, mostly because English is his second language. You have to give the poor guy props for at least trying. I know I would suck pretty hard sending a message in Spanish.

I just REALLY don't appreciate the abusive language. I know you love me too, nothing can change that. Who talks like that?!

I heard through the grapevine that he is no longer working at Chipotle. I feel bad for him, because jobs are getting harder and harder to come by. I would still really value his friendship, but we all know that my going over there to console him or try to be his friend turns into a naked fiesta. I don't need that.

*sigh*

My phone number is pretty rad, and I don't want to have to change it on account of him. Fortunately, the calls and texts are few and far between at this point, so I think he's coming around to the idea that I'm really not going to call him back. I'm not going to come crawling back to him, begging and pleading for him to take me home. There will be no more late night visits, no early morning visits, no visits at all.

This totally sucks, because I love his family. His sister is really nice, even though we have nothing to say to each other. My Spanish sucks, she speaks no English, and she speaks her Spanish so fast that I rarely have any idea of what she has said. Mostly, I miss Kevin and Brenda. Kevin especially. I love that little kid. I'll miss him the most.

It's beyond time to close this chapter in my life. I'm sure I'll get more contact from him at the end of the month--it would have been two years together. We've been through a lot, but I'm pretty sure we won't be through anything else together. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end, right?

I'm off to make peace. :)

In regards to the poll I posted, as to whether or not I should go out on Saturday, SHAME ON ALL OF YOU who voted I should stay in. :P It's a Saturday night, people! :P Even though I'm not huge on the whole club scene, I still had a great time.

Met up with Dan and his crew at Aqua in Downtown Minneapolis. We started off there with a really awesome bartender who did tricks and tosses a la Tom Cruise. The group decided it was time to boogie on out of there just about the time things started to get packed.

We headed out to Sneaky Pete's. This is my new favorite DT hang out! If anyone ever wants to go to a bar DT, this is where we will go. Awesome 80's and 90's music, cheap cover for a Saturday, cheap drinks. Awesome.

We stayed out till bar close at 2, debated going upstairs to Dreamgirls (free cover for those already in Sneaky Pete's, they are open till 4) but ultimately decided to go home.

Spent the night at Dan's, since it was close to Tiff's, and we were too tired to drive me back to SLP. His bed is HELLA uncomfortable, though. He told me in the morning that it's meant for peopel to sleep on their stomach. That would have been helpful information the night before! :P

I headed off to Tiff's at 10, went to Target afterwards to procure consumables. BACON, chicken sammich meat, Crystal Light, and other tasty goodies were amassed into my shopping basket, and paid for at the counter. I scored the most awesome Converse shoes EVAR, and I'm rockin' them right now. So great.

Tim, a friend from High School came over to change the oil in my scooter, which was great. The oil was pretty dirty, so it was definitely needed. El scoot still needs a spark plug, so if anyone has any info on that, it would be greatly appreciated. I know how to change it, I just don't know what kind of plug or where to get it. *sigh* I hope I get one soon. I miss scooting around town!

After that, ate a quick lunch at Yum! with Damian. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know, but he was actually good company on Sunday. I even invited him to have dinner with me at Vescio's after werk. We ate and chatted, and it was ok. He ate a big plate of pasta, I had a little salad and begged off being full, because I had dinner plans. ;)

Dan came over [promptly!] at 8 for dinner and hanging out. He brought pasta, which I thought was silly, since I work at a pasta restaurant. :P Still, the sentiment was nice. He wanted to make dinner as opposed to ordering in or out. He cooked a tasty looking angel hair pasta with chicken and some really tasty cheese and crackers as an appetizer. He brought yogurt and berries for desert, which was great!

I had a very full weekend. :)

Date night with Damian last night. *sigh* Things were SO GOOD. We met up and caught the bus to Uptown to get some Chinese food. Spent about fifteen minutes kissing and talking in the rain under my umbrella.

Picked up Leeann Chin. He wanted buffalo wings, but the ones there were "salty and sweet". Yech. Went to Pizza Hut to get some, and he decided he wanted cheese sticks instead. Silly. :P

Came home and ate dinner whilst watching Star Wars IV. I fell asleep and woke up to him touching my face and hair. :)

Finished the movie and talked a little more. I told him he needs to SHOW me, and stop TELLING me things. I sang a little bit of "more than words" to him and he cried.

Set up the Wii and played Link's Crossbow Training.

His cousin called, and we had fifteen minutes left. Spent those fifteen minutes making out on the floor. We both wanted each other SO BADLY, but I had said no earlier. I told him I was on BC, and he told me he had "borrowed" (stolen) two from his cousin. :P No sex last night, and I stuck to my guns!!

He left with an uncomfortable bulge in his jeans, and me with wet panties. *sigh*

Next time...

SBj

Friday, May 2nd, went dancing with Damian. We stayed out till 2, up till 4:30. I let him stay, only because he had to leave at 6.

He wanted to see me again on Sunday, but I didn't call. I did walk up and down Lake in hopes of seeing him. No dice. It was good to get out, even if I burned the shit out of my face.

He called on Sunday a couple of times and left a message later on. He was going to sleep, wanted to say good night. I didn't call back.

Monday, May 5th, he showed up at my door. He must have seen my lights on. He wanted to keep telling me how he's lost without me, can't eat (and he's skinny!), can't sleep, doesn't know what to do.

I want him back, but I love living alone. I am in a pickle! :(

SBj

Doing housework when living by one's self is a DRAG. You can't be like "Hey, honey, while I do the laundry, will you please wash the dishes?"

I hate washing the dishes. :P

Still haven't gotten that nap...

SBj

( worst. date. evar. )
Now, time to try for the REALLY cute twin brothers from Chile. Mmm, gotta love those accents.

SBj

( He came over Monday night and wanted to come in. )

SBj

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you, tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart

tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
oh, lets go back to the start
running in circles, coming up tails
heads on a silence apart

nobody said it was easy
oh, its such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said that it would be this hard

oh, take me back to the start

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
oh and I rush to the start
running in circles, chasing our tails
coming back as we are

nobody said it was easy
oh its such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard

i'm going back to the start

SBj

It's been two weeks since he left...since I asked him to leave.

*sigh*

I can't believe how much I miss him. I didn't think I would. I thought I would be overjoyed at the prospect of my own life and my own place...but I'm really freakin' sad that I have nobody to come home to tomorrow night. Nobody to wake up with on Monday morning. :(

I like living alone, keeping to my own schedule...but I really like having someone around. I miss having someone to cuddle up with at night. Someone to be there when I need a hug. Someone to answer the phone to say hi just because I wanted to talk.

It's so frustrating right now. I'm caught between knowing he would come back to me in an instant, and knowing it's not a good idea. I KNOW he will go back to those controlling/abusive ways in a snap. If this is really going to work out between us, it will take lots of time apart for us to really figure our own lives out. Whether or not I really want to be tied down...whether or not I'm the girl he wants to be tied down to.

It's only been two weeks and suddenly I can't decide if this really is what will make me happy in the long run. I have this horrible sinking feeling that as soon as I decide I want him back, it will be too late--he'll have moved on without me. If he really decides that I'm IT for him, I'll have moved on without him.

Why don't we get at LEAST two chances at life? Like, you don't agree with how this page turn worked out, so you get to go back to the last "choose your own adventure" page in the book and try the other route? I always used to do that when I checked out those books from the library.

I see my sister living with her boyfriend for three years now and hear my parents talk about the two of them getting engaged/married. I hear about my cousin who got married about a year before I did who is halfway to term with their first child. I see my grandparents who are in their late 70's/early 80's, who have shared a long life together...many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. I will never have that. Unless I start popping out babies tomorrow, my children will never know their great grandparents. If I wait till I'm 30 or so to start having kids, I feel like they'll barely know their grandparents.

Why does life go so fast? Why is it such a crazy choose your own adventure book? Why don't we get at least three strikes before we're out?

*sigh*

I feel like this has been the longest AND the shortest two weeks of my life. I wish he was still there, waiting patiently for me at home. Instead, he is probably still out dancing with ten other girls tonight, at least two hours away from heading home, due to the time difference. I'm sitting on a futon, feeling the last bits of my buzz fade away, feeling sorry for myself.

If I don't screw my head back on my shoulders soon, I can't imagine why I won't call him up and talk him into coming back home with me.

I just want to feel loved. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed.

I'm 25, pushing 26. I have no major accomplishments to my name. I have a mountain of debt from college and almost nothing to show for it. I'm working a dead end job that bores me and stresses me out at the same time. I have nobody at home to even say goodnight to. I have pushed away enough friends in the last year that I can't even be 100% sure that they even still want me to be a part of their lives any longer.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms!!

I just feel so...lost...sometimes. I just feel so unwanted. Unloved. Unappreciated. Depressed. Lonely.

Oh, god...

SBj

( a few interesting points: )

SBj