I started 2008 off in a very down state of mind. I had recently found out I had miscarried Damian's baby. I was deeply sad; I was deeply relieved. We were fighting ALL THE TIME. I knew it was going to end, but I didn't have the courage to end it myself. He was mentally and verbally
abusive. I felt trapped in the relationship with him, and seeing as I was so isolated from my friends and family, I honestly believed that I would stay with him forever. We celebrated our one year anniversary at the end of January and I thought I would never actually leave.
On January 29th, he ripped my
cell phone apart after an entire day of fighting...I know it very easily could have been me.
After a long absence from communication (internet AND telephone) during 2007 due to a controlling boyfriend clinging to my shoulder and questioning my every move, I finally started reaching out to friends through
LJ. And you responded beautifully.
I am so grateful to
every single one of you. For every comment. Every word of support. Every affirming statement that told me I was better than he made me think I was, and that I deserved to be treated better. I value your value in me so very much. Thank you.
Those of you who have known me for
years know that I am NOT the kind of person to roll over and take many things. I fight for what I believe in. I stand up for what I think is right and fair.
For anyone who has never experienced a controlling relationship, I hope that you never will. I have never been more depressed or felt more unloved and WORTHLESS during that year and a half than I have in my entire life. I sincerely doubt I will ever allow myself to be subjected to that kind of treatment again. I also doubt that I will permit a friend to be treated in such an awful manner by anyone.
There were many lessons that I learned during my struggle to make Damian love me for who I was. There were more lessons yet while I struggled to make him love me for who he wanted me to be. The most valuable lessons were learned when I believed all of your beliefs in me and LEFT.
In April, after several breakup/makeup stints, I finally decided he HAD TO GO. I ordered myself a new cell phone, called advocacy help lines, picked everyone's brains, and made plans. On April 13th, 2008, I called
Amanda in a panic, and she and Chris came to my rescue outside of Applebee's by Lake Calhoun. Staying at Amanda and Katie's place for a week saved my life.
During that week, I had a
DNC to remove the "retained products of conception" from my uterus. I felt that even though I could have used Damian's support during my time of recovery, it was symbolic and appropriate to go through all of this without him. Relying on my Mom, my friends, and my own inner strength got me through some of my darkest days.
When I finally moved back home, I was ready to get back on with my life. Shortly after getting the locks changed and settling into MY apartment, I was
fired from my job. Funny how life works, isn't it?
I took it in stride. It was a harsh blow, but it was also a blessing in disguise. I needed the money, but I hated working at Garden and Associates. This was someone's way of saying that it was my time to make a change. After taking a month or so off, I applied for a hostess position at
Vescio's. I've been working in food for ten years (!) and this is by far the EASIEST job I've ever had. I love it. Full service restaurants are great fun.
Most of the summer (into the fall and winter) was spent trying to get Damian out of my system. If you look back through my journal or my
Flickr, you will find evidence that supports this. I've never experienced addiction before...it was--and frankly, still is--hard to let him go. I am happy to report that I haven't spoken to him AT ALL since December 20th.
Over the spring and into the summer, I tried to replace Damian with a
kitteh. I was too busy enjoying my newly rediscovered freedom and working my ass off to be the kitteh mommy he deserved. I made a wonderful new friend in Jennifer, the new kitteh mommy, and all became right with the world again.
A happy little event turned my life around in July. I attended my first
Convergence. I felt silly at first, because I used to make fun of all the cosplaying, LARP-ing, gaming, Con-goers. Now, I'm one of the many, one of the proud. I won't miss another Convergence come Hell or high water.
After CVG08, I fell into the most wonderful group of friends a girl could ever ask for. We started out on July 3rd and haven't quit yet. I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but unicorns are pretty kick ass. And so are all of you. :)
Many happy comings and goings have occurred in the months since July. Many sad ones, too. I'm a little older, a little wiser. Just like
Wayne, I'm starting to get hair in really weird places. Getting older comes at a price, I guess.
Friends have
come and
gone--some even
came back again. :) We will have a new
President in less than a month. Relationships have started and
ended. Jobs have been
acquired and
lost. Modes of transportation have been
changed and
rearranged. Roommates have
been made and are working out well.
Engagements have been made into concrete
plans for the future.
Babies have been born, older folks have
passed on.
Basically, everything since early July has been one big, fun, crazy, full of friends, awesome blur. I wouldn't trade this year for anything in the world. Garcia, Hunter, Lesh and Weir said it best:
Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip it's been.I am waiting anxiously for everything 2009 holds in store for us all.
Peace and love--
Jessica V. Lindgren
content
sad
